X-Men Origins: Wolverine

It's been a while since I last watched a movie and felt that I had to blog about it right away. And typically if I dive right into writing about something that quickly it is either a sign that I absolutely loved it or it was absolute dog shit. Well, I sure didn't love it.

Now when I watch a movie I like to read up on it. Typically I check my movie websites at least once a day that have pre-production notes about movies that I want to see, or pictures. Eventually once the movie comes out there are the reviews from critics that I respect, as well as the general populous reaction on a film. Granted I don't always enjoy the same thing the masses do, but it's a good starting off point. Now about a month ago, right before April Fool's Day, word spread around the internet of a leaked DVD quality print of the movie circulating the tubes well in advance of the movie actually coming out. I've heard that if you wanted to download a movie on the internet you typically have to wait until the DVD is a few weeks away from being released before a good quality print is leaked on the internet. So it seemed like a big deal to those that wanted to see the film early that such a good print was out already. Some believed that it was some kind of promotional April Fools Joke and that it wouldn't turn out to be real. Those ideas were false as many of the critics I follow began writing about how the work print that was released was real and that they didn't want anyone writing to them about the movie or sending them copies. Internet piracy is serious business and they wanted nothing to do with it.

I give you this long preamble, dear readers, as a bit of precursor to the excitement that people had over this movie. There were numerous reports of Fox, the studio releasing the film, giving reports that the print released was far from the finished product with scenes still missing. There was the subsequent threat of finding who leaked it and prosecuting. Reports of the FBI coming into help the investigation. Rewrites, Reshoots, and massively changed plot lines were all talked about in efforts to dissuade people from illegally downloading and watching the movie before it came out. Many speculated that the movie would suffer greatly at the box office because of this leak. Well, it still opened to an 85 million weekend, so I don't think they are hurting that much.

I am not one of those people that get so worked up over comic book movies that I feel cheated and wronged if even the slightest continuity from the books is changed for a movie. I just like movies. If they can stay close to the source material than that's awesome. But if some stuff gets reworked a bit to tell a better story than I'm fine with it. But one thing that I don't like is watching movies that have such gaping holes and problems in them that they are rendered unenjoyable. Granted I have seen and enjoyed many nonsensical movies in my time. But the difference is that when I watch a bad horror movie or cheesy sci-fi film I know going in that it's going to suck. Then I can enjoy it that much more. But Wolverine I was watching under the pretense that it would be good. Enjoyable. Fun. Kick Ass. Much like the first two X-men movies. I knew the directors and writers were different, but c'mon. You got the basic wolverine stuff down, so you just play with it and make it awesome right? OH NO.

First of all, they tried to cram in every cameo and special appearance of all the "cool" mutants that didn't make the cut (pun intended) in the previous Xmen movies. And by trying to introduce like 8 new characters in a movie that in it's title tells you that only one dude is getting the most screen time, and it ain't any of newbies, than you know your in for a disaster. Most of them only get about two scenes a piece. Some die off screen and only get mentioned again. Others just kind of hang out in the background. Which would work fine if you didn't cast all these stars and give them speaking roles. If you want to just put in a random shot of someone in the background for the fanboys, then do it. But don't play up the previews like you get all this action out of these other characters, and then only use them about 4 minutes each in the whole fucking movie.

But all that is just griping at some incidental scenes in the movie. Overall it's just limp and boring. There are random jumps in time and location. There is very little explaining why anything is going on. There seems to be an attempt to make Wolverine a caring loving man who get's wronged when his lady friend is killed, but who gives a shit. They do such a bad job at telling that story that I felt nothing about these characters. So when the lady meets her end, it was more of a feeling of satisfaction. Satisfaction in hoping that something cool would happen instead of another 20 minutes of them playing kissy face in Canada in between scenes of Hugh Jackman cutting down trees.

It's like the makers of the film forgot how to make a summer action movie. All the fights are lame and boring. All the mutants either die quickly or have regeneration powers so fighting just seems lame since you know they will heal up and continue to live no matter what. And since it's a prequal to the other X-Men movies, you know Wolverine, Sabertooth, and Striker all live. There is no drama to any of their scenes.

But my biggest gripe with this movie, and any movie for that matter, is the giant fucking plot holes that they open up. I'm all about suspending logic when watching movies. If I'm watching a movie and they set up some kind of rule about what's going on in that universe and they stick to it, I can follow with them reguardless of how ludicris those rules are. But the thing I can't stand is when you establish a rule, and then realize towards the end that you've painted your way into a corner you can't get out of. So instead of going back and fixing it, you just make some shit up. Which leads me to the ending, which put the shit topping on an already dung filled sundae.

SPOILER ALERT

So if you know anything about Wolverine at all, you know his bones are covered in Adamantium. Which is supposedly the hardest metal in history and can't be broken. They go over this in the movie as well in case your a newb who don't know shit. They then inject Wolverines body with the adamantium which then coats his bones so that he's indestructible. Couple this with his super healing powers and he's pretty formidable. So when he goes ape shit against the baddies who made him they decide they have to kill him. Everything is cool up to this point.

One of the very first scenes following him getting his shiny new metal bones is him playing with his new claws that can cut through anything. And he kinda rubs his claws together and they clang apart and make sparks, indicating that they can't cut themselves. They do this a couple of different times, just to make sure your getting the idea that his bones can't be broken.

OK, everyone following along at this point? They set up their logic point. They demonstrated it. It follows the normal progression of believability so far.

Then the wheels fall the fuck off. The baddies decide the only way to kill Wolverine is to shoot him with bullets made of Adamantium. They mention this about half way through the movie, being sure to include shots of the gun and bullets so that when it comes back later we can all go "OH YEAH, I REMEMBER"

So when the ending comes up they cut to a differnt shot of the baddie getting the gun out and saying that the bullets won't kill him, but it will erase his memories. Because his brain will heal itself after it get's shot, but the memories stored on that old tissue will be gone as it's filled in with new tissue. It's a pretty shitty conclusion, but I guess you could work with it.

OH YEAH, except for the fact they made sure to show you Wolverine getting all his bones covered in adamantium. Including his skull. Which holds his brain. So when he would get shot, if you went with all the rules they set up earlier, the bullet would hit his skull first and then bounce away. It would not in fact go into his brain and make him an amnesiac. But never mind that. We only have 10 minutes left in the movie. Shoot him in the head. Shoot him 3 times. It'll work. What's this now, oh he's a dumbfuck who can't even remember his name since he got shot. Awesome. Print it. It's a wrap.

I'm sure this movie will make money. It appeals to children who will beg, borrow, steal, mame, and do everything else under the sun to convince whoever they can to give them money to go see this movie. Hell, the opening weekend shows that to be true. I'm sure once all the numbers get crunched that this movie will make a profit. And if it makes even one red cent, than the movie studios will continue to make shitty products.