Blogger Q

First of all there has been a lot of confusion. I am a trusted Hollywood insider. Whenever a star falls into the mud, I am there. I have my ear to the pulse of Hollywood and know all the latest and greatest tinsel town gossip . The people I know, and who know me could buy and sell you a million times a day in the breakneck world of Hollywood. Where as Alan is a teacher in a backwater town. I am NOT ALAN! I just use his account to post.

Anyway I have been hitting the winter trail to find out what each and every celeb and celeb couple has gotten for Christmas. My naughty and nice list has filled out nicely and I am here exclusively to post the dirt.

Vince V. (of film fame) unfortunately missed his flight home for Christmas and fortunately met a quirky young Jewish girl. Who he then showed around New York and introduced her to Christmas. They fell in love, even after he met her wacky family.

Billy C. (of pumpkin smashing fame) made the nice list and got a trip to Africa for a photo safari. Unfortunately he came down with Ebola and is currently fighting for his life. Well blogger Q says Get well soon.

Warren B. (of Billionaire Fame) had his Christmas wish granted when his team of Ringers defeated a scrappy young orphanage's hockey team 3-2. This allowed Warren to build a slightly larger money bin on the site of the former orphanage.

Neil P. H. (of Film and TV fame) was actually very nice this year and deserved a good gift. However, because he is a gay man taking up a straight role on TV. He got nothing.

Jodie F. (of film fame) got a very nice card from an up and coming star by the name of John H. Jr. Again she was not impressed by the card. Well to whoever this young man is Blogger Q says Never give up. Your dream is in reach someday she'll crack.

William H. M. (of film fame) made the nice list again by finally getting that 10 speed he has always wanted. However his wife Felicity H. was disappointed by his gift of genital herpes.

Sarah P. (of Moose hunting fame) finally made the nice list for not listening to her husband and not aborting a retarded baby.

Derek M (Of film fame) saw what the universe was like if he had never been born. Then he decided it would be a better place without him, which is why you have never heard of him.

Your M. (of giving birth to you fame) pretended to like the gift you gave her but was still secretly disappointed by both the gift and the way you live your life.

Know any celeb gossip please post in comments! Until next time keep your cameras focused on Hollywood.
Q

Hot Cakes.....Get your Hot Cakes Here!

Tonight Alan and I engaged in some Fiction Based Improv Olympics. We each wrote the start of a story and passed it back and forth a few times continuing where the other had left off. Please to enjoy!

Dark Holiday
The night was cold and dreary. Rain and snow mixed together to fall to earth as a mushy form of hell. Everything froze as it made contact with any earthly shape. Anyone with any sense about them stayed indoors and made due with whatever provisions and entertainment was available to them. Alice sat in her room playing with her toys and wishing for a warm summer’s day.
Alice alternated between playing with her favorite toys and cursing whoever had caused such awful weather. Alice wanted desperately to go outside and bask in the summer sun and soak up the warmth of the earth. As Alice played with her toys her mind continued to wrap around the hatred she felt for the cold and rain and sleet. Her heart cursed anyone associated with such a vile time of year. At that moment Alice loathed winter and anything associated with it, including Christmas. She wished Christmas would just be canceled and for the sun to come out and warm everything up.
In the North Pole, Santa Clause was forced into bed rest. He was suffering from all kinds of pains and afflictions that had suddenly affected him out of the blue. It was as if some unknown source had cursed him with some kind of evil voodoo and was inflicting as much pain and suffering that they could imagine. Santa could not bear to leave his bed, let alone fly his reindeer around the world delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. Including a young Miss Alice who was due for some very special gifts.
"Who can help me with my deliveries?"
The puss ran from his mouth
"Who can save Christmas?"
As Santa checked his rolodex he eventually landed on Father Christmas. Who was occupied.
After exhausting all his options. Senor Noel, Felix David. St. Nick. All were busy. He tried his last option.

Alice waited buy the tree. As midnight drew near she felt a cold wind that cut her very soul. In it she realized all the bad things she had done for the last year. The sadness she made everyone feel. The pain. The suffering.
Then a spindly body sleeked from the Chimney.
"Santa?"
"Santa"
"No" came the raspy reply.
As the beast stood, it was green and quite the opposite of jolly.
"I am Kinter Krouse"
"Who, W-Wheres Santa?"
"Santa no longer exists. By this time he is no more"
"What did you do to him you monster?"
"Me, nothing it was a demon known as Diabetes I am his replacement."
"So d-did you bring me toys?"
"Yesss deary I did but you may not like them."

With that a puff of smoke filled the room and the beast was gone. Beneath the tree lay piles of presents but some didn't seem right.
Kitner Krouse escaped the house after depositing his new toys for young Alice. He rejoiced in the fact that his long time nemesis Santa was dead and he could now distribute his evil and vile toys to the young people throughout the world.
Back in Alice’s living room she took her first present in her hand. It was a small wooden box that resembled a jewelry box much like her mothers. Alice raised the lid expecting some charming song to play and perhaps a small ballerina to spin, but what was inside scarred young Alice so bad she recoiled in horror and dropped the box. Inside was a still beating heart that once belonged to Santa Clause. Kitner had given it to Alice because she was the final child to wish harm upon Santa in one form or another, and he had finally succumbed to his disease and perished.
Alice began crying uncontrollably and wished she could take it all back. All the bad things she had done and all the bad things she had thought about Santa.
Suddenly a booming voice filled the room.
“Alice, you can make it all go away. All you must do is truly change your heart and renounce the bad things you have done, and all will return to normal”
Alice recognized the booming voice of that of Santa Clause and knew what she must do. She must ask Santa for forgiveness for all she had done and hope that it was enough to end Kitner’s hold on Christmas and bring Santa back. While still hearing the beating of Santa’s heart in the box at her feet, Alice closed her eyes so tight and asked Santa to mark her down as being nice instead of naughty.
As soon as she finished her thought, Alice fell to the floor. A black ooze began to pour from every hole in her body. The steaming pile of evil spilled out of Alice and began to envelop her. Soon enough there was nothing left of Alice but a big black stain on the floor.
From far away, Kitner Klouse could be heard laughing as his plan had worked and he had claimed another young child’s soul for his collection.

Secret Origins.
The Greatest
I was the greatest! The Greatest! From Tulsa to Santa Fe I played. Every song, I literally knew every song. Until that faithful night in tombstone! As I was leaving the bar, I failed to notice the ruffians' mule which was hitched to the post. As its hoof rose, in the blink of an eye I was down. The hoof print forever etched into my forehead. But worst of all I couldn't remember my songs. Now I was forced to play again from, Sheet Music. I feel ill just thinking about it. Now the worst part. I had to give up my carefree life of booze, broads and tunes. Now I must give lessons.
The Student
My mom is making me do this. I really wanted to be a cowboy or at least an Indian. I never wanted to play the piano! But my mom said, "I won't have you dying in a gun fight like all your 5 brothers." You're my baby and its culture for you. So I must play. After all I'm all she has left since my sisters were kidnapped by Indians (oh how I wish I was them. So I am forced to spend every afternoon with that freak! Why should I play piano when I was destined to shoot?
The Greatest
The boy comes in dull and limp as ever. He has no posture. That's the key you know, posture. He shall never be successful on the stage. Not only that but he is such a pansy!! I think his mother has strangled every ounce of boyhood out of him. And she is so damn clingy. Always hovering, trying to interject during my lessons. Even with this hoof print forever embedded in my skull I am twenty times the player that she ever will be. I wish she would just leave us alone and let me do the job she pays me such a pittance to do. And this kid will never learn anything. He's more concerned with escaping his mother's tyranny than learning anything about the beautiful instrument.
The Student
My piano teacher is so weird. He walks around talking about how he's the greatest piano player that ever lived, but he can hardly read the music and his head looks like it could be used as an ashtray. And he smells like he's drunk all the time. Just like Daddy used to be before he ran off on mom and me. I don't like him very much. On top of his insistence on my posture being perfect, he keeps asking me about girls in my school and when I will get a girlfriend. First of all, I'm way too young to be thinking of girlfriends, and girls are just so gross and weird. I'd much rather play with Ronny from down the street. Playing Good Cop, Bad Prisoner is way better than trying to hammer out some stupid song on the piano. And when we are done with all the lessons for the day, my teacher insists on showing me some new dumb card trick he's come up with.
The Greatest
This pansy boy will never amount to a hill of beans. He doesn't even like my card tricks. Everyone likes my card tricks! At least all the ladies do. And that's another thing. This kid has no interest in girls. What a fruitcake. At least the checks clear. Keeps me in liquor if nothing else. He also has no idea what makes a good piano player. I tell him regulate your body. Drink 17 cups of milk a day. Have good posture. Just yesterday I saw him drinking a soda. A soda! Someday I will escape this life. I will use my swift fingers and deft hands to leave this impossible horrible retched life. TO ESCAPE!
The student
Something strange happened today. First teacher showed up in a straight jacket and bound by what he said was 100 yards of rope (looked more like 98 to me). He then had me bound him to a flagpole upside down and I'm good at knots cause of all my games. He quickly and quite easily escaped then chained himself inside the piano and appeared outside naked (quite a sight). Then he proclaimed that my lack of talent ruined his love for piano. I will show this bastard. He doubts me. I will grow up big and strong. I will drink my milk. I will become the greatest piano player ever. Not only that but I will make my piano playing into a show. The show to end all shows. I will show that Mr. Houdini or my name isn't liberachi.
Epilogue
Thus two great careers were born and the world was never the same.

Gambit

So, I found a talent that Gambit possessed early in his infancy. Through very little prompting from me, he would play fetch. He's taken with this little plush ball that has feathers coming out of the top. He'll carry that ball around in his mouth like it's a live catch and he's hunting for his family. He'll growl and hiss at Rouge if she is even in his eye line, let alone making a move towards his precious.

He has since chewed all the feathers off that ball so that now all that's left are a few tufts of what used to be feathers, but now resemble a few strands of dark troll hair. But he still loves that dumb ball all the same.

Last night we played fetch for about an hour. I would alternate throwing it into the office or into the dining room from my perch in the Captains chair. And he would sprint off to find it and recapture his prize. He would then prance back over to me and drop the ball close to my feet and wait for his next opportunity to fetch. At one point I threw it over his head, and he popped up and caught the damn thing in his mouth.

I say all this to dissuade all those cat haters out there that characterize them as cold and callus to humans and are only concerned with their own feelings. They like to play with us. They care if we are around.

I had this post ready to go last night, but held off on posting it. I figured I would spruce it up in the morning and then post it. The first interaction I had with Rouge was her jumping on my chest and cutting one of the stinkiest farts I have smelled out of her. And shortly after that Gambit was chasing the previously mentioned ball around the living room and unplugged the cable box. As you all know, that is a big no-no. He's been exiled to the dining room. But I did throw his ball in there for him before shutting him out of my life for a bit. Stupid cats. Just when you think they are learning, they show you that they don't give a fuck what you think.

House

Occasionally I find movies that I want to watch based on their descriptions through netflix. Either they were suggested to me because of some rating I gave to a different movie, or the same actors appear or whatever. So I read the little paragraph description about the movie and see if it peaks my interest. I of course always forget that these little descriptions are written by someone that was paid to say nice and interesting things about the movie.

That leads us to House. What was presented to me as a horror movie about a serial killer that lures people to his "house" and then leaves them rules about how to survive his game, I was mildly intrigued. It isn't material that hasn't been covered before, but it sets the stage for an entertaining premise. Throw in the fact that the serial killer, known as the Tin Man because he leaves his rules written on a tin can for the people to find, was to be played by Michael Madsen. That dude can play a creepy, psychopathic killer. So I figured this is going to be awesome.

The beginning plays out like many other horror movies before it. Couple is traveling to some destination. They are bickering and generally don't get along. There is mention of going to couples counselling. This all sets up their story that they will not get along in a high pressure environment well. They quickly run into one of the most used horror movie problems, car trouble, and make their way to seek shelter and find a phone in a secluded bed and breakfast. So far I'm with the movie.

They get to the old Victorian mansion and find that there is a second couple that also had car trouble investigating the house. They find no sign of any workers or other people at the house, and continue to explore. There are some creepy creeks and groans of the spooky house, and some quick cuts of a child laughing and giggling in the dark. Again, nothing new here, but it was setting a mood quite effectively. Still with it.

Shortly there after the house owners show up and are creepy as hell. The old woman that runs the place is very creepy. She has one son who becomes fixated with one of the women and wants to marry her right away. He gave off the creepy inbred retarded vibe, again not new in horror movies, but was done effectively. There's a second brother who's introduced who is gruff and evil. All three of these new characters were really starting to creep me out, and I had high hopes for what was to come, because I knew I was still waiting for The Tin Man to show up, and I thought there was going to be some awesome stuff coming.

But oh how wrong I was. I started noticing some oddly placed lines in the script. Instead of talking about how sleeping together was dirty, it was referred to as a sin. There were multiple instances of the word sin, as in "guilty as sin, heavy as sin, sinners, etc..." I started to get a bad feeling in my head. This couldn't possibly be some kind of christian propaganda movie thinly veiled in a horror movie could it? Michael Madsen will save the day, I just know it.

Of course I was wrong.

The rest of the film, until the very end, you just see The Tin Man in shadows stalking people around with a stupid mask on. The four people that were lead to the house are all revealed to have some horrible secret. The one couple both killed someone that was abusing them, and the second couple didn't pay attention to their daughter and she ended up drowning. These flashbacks are done to give you the impression of the abuse, but not really show it. BUT, the people feel bad about killing their abusers. Because it was a SIN.

The movie held so much promise for about 30 minutes, then delved fully into some dumb ass christian allegory for the next hour, culminating in them finding the "good" sister who was shunned in the basement. Her good "light" will destroy all the evil in the house, but only if they believed in her and rejected what the "evil" Tin Man was saying. What started out as just a mild christian indoctrination became such a farce that one could not help but draw the conclusions they wanted you to make. Granted anyone watching this movie that knew it was based in Christian Theology would already be "saved" and not need to watch the movie, and any gore hound like myself is going to watch it thinking awesome shit is about to go down, and then just groan and hate everything about the movie. Way to go asshats.

I will say one thing. The first thirty minutes are awesome. If you take that and then added on another hour of what should have come, and this movie would have rocked. It was shot well though. Visually it looked good. Though that's seldom enough to make a movie worth watching.

Why God, Why???

P.S. And for those wondering, this was movie 98 for the year. I'm going to have to buckle down if I'm going to hit my goal of 120. Wish me luck.

I AM RIPPER! I AM DISAPPOINTING! I AM BEOWULF

So they took the oldest story in England's history.  They changed it and they they made it really disappointing. Sure this movie may be good in theater.  But this movie certainly is a let down on DVD.  Over all on the KCBS scale its a 4.

Just read the damn book.