Goings on

Things around here have been a very odd mixture of extremes lately. As the semester winds down for both Ad and I we have the odd pressure of finishing up everything on time with the de-motivation that a coming break in routines brings.

I have my application into IU and they are just waiting to get my official transcripts. I meet the entrance criteria so it's virtually in the bag. This will mark an important milestone for me as I have been struggling and striving to get to IU for what seems like an eternity. Summer school remains an option, but more than likely I will take the summer off schooling and start at IU in the fall. I hope to take 15-18 hours and try and get finished ASAP.

We are going to meet with the bank next Friday to being the process of buying a house. We hope to get pre-approved then and have a figure to work with. Then we will begin looking with more focus at buying out first house. Our lease ends at our rental in the middle of August and it can't come quicker if you ask me. We are pretty ready to get out of the heart of the city where our neighbors are right on top of us and the street noise is loud and bothersome. Hopefully we can find a place and close towards the end of June. This will allow us to have little to no overlap in payment of rent/mortgage. Assuming all goes well we will have the unenviable task of moving. Though spread out over a few weeks hopefully.

The thought of actually buying a house seems pretty frightening and liberating all at the same time. I am sick of paying rent for a place instead of working to own it. I seemingly can fix most small problems that arise around a house, or if not I know people who can. But owning a house also signifies some progression of life. One more step to people looking at you as a "responsible adult" I realize that most 27 year old's are defiantly to that point in their lives and more power to them. But that just ain't me. But it's time. Critics be damned.

With that thought of pending greater responsibility comes the added new ideas of fiscal responsibility. I have defiantly noticed a slow down in my retail spending habits. Though I pretty much equate this equally to a growing sense of responsibility and also catching up to the market. I have bought pretty much all the back issued stuff that I want. So until new stuff comes out or stuff that hasn't been released gets a street date, I've caught up with the market.

I also have just realized that there are certain things I don't need to do. I don't go out to the bars drinking. The bar scene was never my thing and if I want to drink I'll happily buy whatever I want cheaper at a store and drink with company that I enjoy rather than overpaying at a bar and leaving the company up to random chance.

I typically spend most Saturday nights at home with my mom. She comes over and sleeps because she works back to back shifts at the hospital on the weekends. By staying here she saves herself driving and can sleep in longer. And it's fun to hang out with her. Growing up in formative years with only one parent I think you either develop a strong relationship with that remaining parent or you drift away. Joan and I defiantly grew closer. And hanging out with her that one night a week is important to the both of us I think. Realistically there won't be those opportunities forever, and I would like to think that once the time comes I will look back on those nights spent with her instead of going out were time very well spent. Just in the short term those times will come to a close as Joan is set to retire at the end of May.

Having insurance for the first time since High School has allowed me the privilege and honor of not being scoffed or laughed at when calling a doctor to check me out. I knew my blood pressure was high and needed to get it checked out/modified with medications. I made an appointment with a doc here in town as a new patient, but unfortunately his first available appointment was in the middle of July. And this was about a month ago. Around the same time I came down with some kind of cold bug and needed to go to the doctor for that as well. I ended up going to prompt care and getting some antibiotics and cough medicine for my cold. While there they also put in a call to my new would-be doc and managed to get me in to see him a week later.

For me going to see a doctor is a very real struggle for my brain. I know the risks and problems associated with being overweight and that I obviously needed some kind of medication for my BP or I would probably explode one day out of the blue. But with doctors come needles. And needles are my long time enemy. Growing up when it was time to get a shot or worse yet blood drawn, my anxiety would skyrocket to sights that are typically reserved for those on incredibly good drugs or people with documented mental disorders. I did some very basic research online and found that there are very real cases of people that refuse to seek out medical treatment because of their fear of needles, even to the point of risking or actually doing real and permanent damage to themselves by not going to the doctor.

So when the doc told me that I would need to get a blood sample drawn so that they could test for stuff that i hadn't had done in like 14 years I wasn't surprised but I wasn't thrilled by the idea either. He said I could go in whenever I wanted before my next appointment, so I of course waited till the very last day to do so. I slept fitfully the night before and when I did sleep my dreams were about being in the hospital, or getting a shot or my blood drawn. I went as soon as I could just to get it over with. While waiting in the waiting room I was joined by about 4 elderly people who were also waiting to get their blood drawn for whatever reason. They were just chatting quietly or reading some magazine and didn't seem to have a care in the world. On the other hand I'm sitting all by myself in a corner of the room trying not look nervous. Which of course makes me look even more nervous. I could feel my face being even more flushed than it's already accustomed to being. I alternated drumming my fingers on my legs sporadically to jiggling both legs as if I was suffering from the non-existent "restless leg syndrome"

I was about fourth in line. One by one the elderly were called in to face the horror that awaited me. I mentally took note of how long it took the first person to come in and out so I could have a deadline clock in my mind. Unfortunately it only took the first guy one minute before he was smiling and whistling his ass out the front door. While a normal person would view this as good news, that they were going to get out of there quickly, I of course was filled with even more panic and dread. There wasn't much time. I was surely going to befall some great and painful tragedy in only 4 minutes time. Not even time for a last meal or snack, as I had to be fasting to get the damn test drawn. This was a seriously unfortunate feeling.

As my name was called I followed the nurse back to the lair of doom. One giant chair with tons of vials and needles laid out next to it. All looking ominous. At the time I was flustered and bothered by how methodical and unthinking the tech was as she prepped me for what certainly would be one of the worst experiences of the year. I tried to make idol chit-chat with her in hopes of delaying the inevitable. She engaged me a bit, all the while readying the demon metal for insertion into my temple of a body. Without blinking an eye she said "Ok, here we go." She didn't even give me time to puss out and cry off. And before I could even start recoiling in horror, she pressed the cotton on my arm and said "All done. I saw you out there working yourself all up in a bother over that?" I could only chuckle and breath a sigh of relief and thank her for not maiming me in the name of science.

Following I was flooded with a rush of endorphins. I wasn't dead. It didn't hurt. I was worrying over nothing. I was floating on cloud nine the rest of the day. I showed Joan where she stuck me and we couldn't even tell.

Even before the test, I attempted to mentally prepare. I knew then as I was reminded of during the actual test that it doesn't hurt. The modern needle is designed to do it's job quickly, effectively, and as pain free as possible. I would tell myself over and over that it's no big deal, that they probably process 100's of samples a day at this tiny clinic. They are pro's that are paid to not fuck it up. But it didn't help. There was still a giant disconnect in my brain between what I knew to be reality and what I interpreted that reality to be. Even when it was all over and I could relax, I couldn't pinpoint why I have this fear. It's like I have some ill-formed conspiracy theory about needles. Even though I know the facts, I know they've been skewed and manipulated by some secret organization waiting to spring the trap on me. It's so illogical and misconceived.

The tests came back all fine. I was surprised to hear that my cholesterol was within normal ranges and that there were only some slight abnormalities with the rest of the tests. I assumed that I was going to have to start taking a bunch of new meds, but the doc only suggested taking a few vitamin supplements to correct the balances.

This whole needle thing got me thinking about how even though a person can see the logical side of an issue, it doesn't matter. Their minds either don't want to see those things, or they aren't equipped to handle those truths. In my case I knew needles and doctor tests were important and easy to do, but the fear and anxiety were greater than the understanding of those facts. People evolve and change their thinking about stuff all the time. But there has to be some kind of personal awareness and functionality so that even if I can't rid myself of those irrational fears, I can recognize that it's something to work on.

The reality's are that by going to the doc I have the baselines. I had the tests done. I got the meds. And it's not so bad. I live a good and happy life for me. I enjoy spending time with my family which wasn't always the case. I enjoy spending time with my wife. Which was always the case. The plans are set and in motion. I don't give two fucks that my plan/history isn't the normal case. Kudos to all those that did/do. I hope your happy with it. That's the goal. Be happy with what you are doing. And if you know me at all, you know that that's me all over.